I feel like happiness comes so easily to people.. Like they’re just generally up beat about life, and what their going to do next. But for me that’s not the case. So many times throughout the day I have to consciously decide to be happy… To remind myself that I deserve happiness & that I have to relax and enjoy each moment and not to over think every single thought or action that I do. I get sucked into a train of bad thoughts- almost like I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst case senarios. Or that I keep imagining myself living the perfect life even though I know that will never happen because there is no such thing as perfect. But what does make people happy? And what do I need to do to find it? These are the questions on my mind tonght… Maybe everyone just goes along doing the best they can and making the most out of everything that comes their way? I don’t know.. But hey maybe I’ll wake up and feel differently…
Even the word Anxiety makes me feel anxious… In fact writing this is giving me butterflies in my stomach, and not the good kind. The kind that makes you question if your hungry, nauseas or need to poo. But anyway, I’ll push through (no pun intended haha).
I feel like I’m the only person in the world who constantly thinks ‘what am I doing with my life’… ‘Why aren’t i happy?’…. ‘What should I do next?’.. ‘Why are they so happy?’… ‘What am I doing wrong?’.. These are the lovely questions that float around my mind everyday. Woohoo yay for me.
I mean, what is happiness? This word means something different to every person on the planet… Yet everyone craves it. I’ve spent so much time trying to be happy that I’ve almost given up on the idea completely.. But not quite. If we stopped comparing ourselves to other people and stopped looking at social media and just focussed on the real world would our perception of happiness be different? Have we subconsciously decided what happiness looks like and its so unrealistic that we are chasing the unchasible? I mean maybe it isn’t normal to be happy ALL the time.. That your just suppose to have moments of happiness so that you appreciate it more? This is so hard to do when I spend everynight scrolling through Instagram and Facebook looking at all the happy people with their damn picture perfect lives.. And then I go and top it off by watching an unrealistic romance movie… I mean I realise that they are just movies and that will NEVER happen to me, so why not pretend & escape away for just two hours hahaha… And the vicious circle begins…
Another fun surprise with the big A word is random panic attacks you get. It’s like your subconscious is on overload thinking about everything makes you anxious and then when you consciously think of one of your trigger points I’ll call them.. Then your brain basically pops and you can’t handle it and your heart rate and breathing start escalating so quickly you feel like a fatty running 5km towards an ice cream truck.
One of the hardest things I found with having anxiety was when I was hospital and I didn’t know what was wrong.. And then they told me I had quite bad anxiety.. And the doctors and nurses just looked at me like i belong in a mental institution because im clearly flippin’ cray cray. My favourite part is when they gave me that sympathic but judgemental look that made me wish I had cancer or a brain tumour or something that wouldn’t make me feel like I was legitimately loosing my marbles & maybe one of them would actually help me? I thought that was the point in a hospital… Clearly I thought wrong lol.
But the sad thing is… SOO many people are too embarrassed to say they suffer from this because there are too many people that have the mentality that anxiety and other mental illnesses are over exaggerated and all in our head.. And nothing a positive attitude can’t fix.. Like yeah because I just LOVE to have random panic attacks on my bathroom floor that cause me to re evaluate my entire life and freak out because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.. And oh yeah, I can’t breathe. Paper bag anyone? Haha because honestly that shit is fan-FUCKING-tastic.
But just like like annoying but brilliant quote says: ‘One step at a time’